But sometimes we do fight about things he dont like. . It became clear when my BIL asked me how much we got from selling my parent’s house and it seemed that he expected “their portion” so I said maybe I would contribute to purchasing a home when the nephews were ready. Well, what I will say in this case as it pertains to my family, child, be it siblings, is this factor and it has literally set me free from even wondering anymore, what did or did not happen. I daydream that he calls me and says his ramen noodles don’t taste the same at college or he tells his dad that math problem they did that drove them crazy was useful in class. But at the same time, you can’t live your life based on what other people do. She just screamed your a liar! I do not ask him how he’s doing just as greeting like it is done in the US, nor I greet him as a passing thing; I genuinely care when I ask, and I greet him with enthusiasm because I want to brighten his day that way, by letting him know I think about him. He doesn’t care, neither should you. I am sorry, please stay positive, aas you deserve better. This millenial thing of throwing parents away is heinous and cruel. How in the world do you handle that? Anyways 6 months later she still refuses to see me. In any case, try to gather your best emotional support from your peers (and your own parents, if available) while you navigate this rough patch with your daughter. My husband sided with me. She burst into tears about how difficult it was going to be for people in her life to know that her daughter had to declare bankruptcy. So, be it as it is, I am at this point where I don’t care anymore. My sister is self employed and her business is very successful. Recently I talked to him (and tried to talk to her but she played the victim) asking how we could have some type of relationship. she sees him once a week, I see him every other month. That way, you develop your own abilities regardless of the outcome. Right about now, you might be feeling that all of this is WAYYY too one-sided. The first thing she said to my husband was “I can’t unblock mom, she’s dangerous”. If you’re dreaming about someone who was close to you or someone who you cared about, then a dream could be due grief or guilt that you’re carrying. I’ve expressed in the past how I felt about his friends but he continually tries to have me around them. Like deafening. Today I am being accused of having done too much. She thanks me for not having spoken badly about her father as today they have managed to mend their relationship. When I asked he said his girlfriend didn’t get along with them so he no longer saw them we live in a very rural community and he had many friends from elementary school through college. Of course, I got more upset & so his anger & my depression continued. I told my sister i am the oldest and i should have been the one to take care of mom. Take care, When I turned 28, my Dad passed away and my brother went from tolerating me to being down right cruel. He admitted he had met her. While I can’t offer personal advice in this format, I would say to all parents out there that if you and your child are on speaking terms, and your relationship feels hurtful to one or both of you, I recommend attending some family therapy sessions together. That’s why this post focuses on apologizing: *Not* because you’re clearly in the wrong, but because apologies are powerful relationship menders. And she is offended stating she’s not having a welfare baby. I would just like to know how to deal with this so that it is not an enormous, sad weight that I always carry. Luckily, the judge terminated the PPOs, and my dad’s record was cleared. Some days I really just don’t feel like going on it is so sad. I was so mad, I never said a word. and withdrew. Equally, we may not be balanced enough ourselves to clearly observe and recognise the mental illness coming from the other side. Brought her home and then on my way out I said I was sorry we’ve been distant and I wish we could fix it because I miss her. of course we tried calling him straight away to sort out why he was so angry as we were in the process of arranging it for him. How do I get her to talk about things openly when she seems so afraid of honesty? Very sadly, because I know she is devastated by our estrangement. It really opened my eyes. Her parents were present at the birth of our first grandchild. And I still feel guilty and awful for leaving them. So I was concerned. It’s not what was said. Well, my sister has had a hard time living in a basement and not being able to pay rent at times, but she had a compassionate landlord. They were all gross. Well, she brought the cats upstairs, I had cat hair all over my kitchen chairs. They didn’t ask to be born and they didn’t ask to shoulder your shortcomings. No promises, you were given two years of effort.” letter. 24 year old daughter followed her mother and they have not spoken to me since. He has changed his religion to her religion. When your conversation partner is exceptionally long-winded, you might hope that looking away, shuffling your feet, or heading toward the door (if possible) would send out signals to stop talking. I told my mom that my daughter and her husband had two names they liked. Many parents have told me about sons- and daughters-in-law who don’t seem to want to get along with them. won’t see me what do you suggest I do? II found your previous posts very informative, and my situation is one where I have been estranged from my dad due to his choice. A few weeks later, she became cold and started to distance herself from me and eventually she told me she felt we were progressing too fast and she wasn’t ready to commit into a relationship. If you’ve tried anything at all, you’ve probably tried that. Hi Cindy, it sounds like a really painful situation, but it’s not one that I can offer advice on here. WE both have abandonment issues, so I made certain to make him know that I cared about him, despite a problem with compatibility. He won’t explain why he hates me so much and he has even turned other family members against me. I don’t know exactly what I did, I have never offended him or been rude or clingy, anything of that; he has gradually stopped replying to my greetings to the point of not even acknowledging them, and any questions about his well-being are answered in monosyllables now, sometimes taking hours to do so. Other than that, you must know by now that you should always surround yourself with people who are non toxic, people who lift you up, not down. When we didnt have it for him in less then a week – he got verbally abusive towards us and told us to FORGET IT- he would do it on his own. When sons 3 & 4 reached 17, they moved over to dads too. It’s easy to see why it would mean everything to you if he were to show up on your doorstep out of the blue. A few months ago I was attending a conference far from me demographically in Newark. In some of these posts it is so obvious that’s what is going on. She didn’t divorce. I am so upset I have isolated myself from society, never go out just so heart sore, do work though. She knew I was right, and she turned so nasty and vindictive although there isn’t anything actually nasty to say about me, the fact my mother was looking me in the eye and trying whatever it took to hurt me just did for me. Nope. Maybe i am just overprotective of him and sumtimes overdoing it. I really want to help her but now that she has decided to cut off all contact with me, the only way to reach her is through email. I just think if you’re willing to make someone feel so sad and not give any reason, then byeee. It will only make you look bad, especially if your friend has chosen to take the high road. Personally I’m more than broken and hot. In both cases I know I hurt them but I made the mistake of trying to explain why…and neither of them are speaking to me. Served and retired from the military but I always got the cold shoulder and have been threatened before by my mom with her saying that she wanted nothing to do with me if I stayed with my ex wife do to my ex being disrespectful to her. This isn’t the man I raised or know. So hurt!!!! I could go on and on. I just read your article on “How to apologize”. I was not even aware she had e-rmail or internet at all as she always told me she did not! We played games, made ornaments ( I cherished christmas & now spend it alone). He goes home to his moms in a gated community at night and leaves my daughter in a terrible area to live. And I don’t know why she wouldn’t know that, but I suspect maybe she doesn’t. You didn’t cause that. I do view myself as a failure as a parent, for many reasons. She cut off contact from me 6 months ago and I cannot see my 15 month old grandson. I let her be for a couple of months. Currently I am now speaking to my mother again but very restricted. Cause, I wrote a private message to my brother, their Dad. My mother has held a grudge against me because i talked to a preacher of their church in confidence about my feelings. I feel rather hopeless about all of this and am hurting very much. She was fully formed (damaged) by the time you were born.cut the woman so slack.shes trying her best (as she sees it,rightly or not) and hand you get to her age and your own kids treat you like a pariah, it will be too late to simply say, look “it is what it is” agree to differ , ignore the annoying hugs and enjoy the good guys , there will be some if you stop moaning and look a little more carefully. Calling them backstabbers and accusing them of trying to cause trouble with her and my mom. She replied “*Yes*. I need to find a way to phrase the “we’re going to be estranged now because _______. I feel like my life is over but I’m trying not to lose hope. Thanks for any help- C. Dear C., it pains me to hear of parents turning their backs on their adult children without explanation. I want to know he is OK. Not 1, 2, 3, but 4 sons?? You care so much about how many people like me! I was just trying to be the best parent I could be because I grew up in an abusive household constantly moving constantly getting blamed by my narcissistic parents for everything that ever happened to anyone in the house. They gave you life, and because of that, unless they are abusive, give them time and love and attention. This is NOT what family is about!! You can read the first two chapters and see if they speak to you before deciding. Like you, 2626j, I have a brother who wants absolutely nothing to do with me and I don’t know why. Thank you once again, I told her that how can we get along, if you keep talking about me to my siblings. Thereafter, she cut off all contact with me with a warning. I now understand that my mother’s perceptions, actions and feelings, and reactions and comments are… just… well… her perspective and very self-focused. I said, “mom, i never said that!” She said, you might as well have. Thank you for the heads up. She apparently was not receiving them on a schedule or quantity she desired and chose resentment over actually expressing her needs. Then she started again about me and said the only reason why she sent anything for mothers day is she didnt want me to hurt myself. I took it as it came, and though confused, I just accepted. He married a girl about a year ago and we first met her last year when we returned home. What can I offer? Making an effort, going out of your way to say or do something meaningful to the other person (rather than to you), will. Selvi, I work with parents all the time who have received no-contact requests (and some who’ve received restraining orders, in which case their hands are *really* tied). I trade my daydreams for his daydreams if I knew them and they were healthy choices. Your actions have consequences and it can end a friendship. How can you speak for everyone when you’re nobody? I am the older sister of 3 children. When I started to open my eyes to the world I realized I had been really mistreated. I had so little contact that I can’t figure out what happened. I appeased, non-consensual. In this case, the person will pull away from you and just try and avoid you. And my other son is bipolar. He does not go back on his decisions. He said I must have misunderstood her. sublimeswift reblogged this from yfan1814. I figured it was all a matter it time! As a result of her drinking we had several disputes. My mother chose to forgive him. And, by the way: What do you really want? I have asked her to meet up to clear the air, but nothing. Understand, acknowledge, empathize, and apologize. Some will talk to you calmly about something you did. I said,”you tell her!” She said,”no, you tell her. I went to where my mom worked, and i asked her to come out to the car once she finished her job. We both said words but apologized later. Please let me know your opinion and advice! I got no reply and no idea if my email was ever read. Then it hit me. I adored her. Some times when we see outside she advise me if I want. Instead of asking for rent, making her pay her fair share of the rent, and even though I described all the costs and responsibilities parents have to just to keep a roof over our heads. We had several common interests that only the two of us shared. Her parents won’t tell me either. He reacted exactly the way I knew he would 7 years ago. You need it to develop your aim and your skill with the bow. When my mother passed away in year 2019, my best friend had gone, and I literally stop caring about much else. But my daughter in law said they were sick of me analyzing their child. My mother seemed so angry at me for “spending all my time with him”, but she wasn’t making herself available to me as an alternative. She is the one person that has seen a potential in me and try to gave me a shoulder to cry on. One thing you can try is opening your mouth at them just like a fish: When you open your mouth it indicates that you have something to say. I hear the pain in your lines here, Karen, and I’m so sorry for the loss of connection with your daughter. And when the response is “Well I’m not perfect!” to excuse you being an asshole, it doesn’t make you any less of an asshole. I sent her a letter and told her that i have tried to put myself in her shoes and realize she sees it from a different perspective than i do. The reply comes back nasty to just leave her alone and I’m not going to see my grandsons again. I felt angry at how she had treated us (and still did treat me). I love my daughter more than my life and more than anybody else in the entire world. My dad passed away at 70. She was depressed, and started to work through some of her issues with meds. Hello Tina, I honestly have drawn a lot from how you have articulated your key points! Three left, one stayed wtih us. Him not caring means nothing about you as a person. We were a very close family and my children had great childhoods. Having to be the one to put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable (again) is asking a lot from you. I finally heard from my son in law who says that my daughtetr no longer wants to speak to us. Poof! It’s perhaps wrong of me to judge from a far-away, outsider perspective, but how do I help my mom realize that her own marriage is beginning to ruin our relationship? Lived here as if she owned the house! She would have quite a nest egg to start her journey with. Anyways all the horrible things were said and I got down to my sisters level of cursing and being just straight up foul mouthed. I do occasionally hear from people who were cut off by their parents, and it always hurts my soul to hear it. We were told the next day. See my post, “How to Apologize,” to make sure. I hope after some time this article will become my truth. I said ok. Baby born and I sent her pictures by email and tried calling. It sounds like your mother has used the threat of rejection your whole life, which is incredibly sad. She says we were not there to guide them and that he has always had it “out” for his sister. The request is no problem but I asked my kids why not ask me directly? Kids disown their parents but still expect to reap the rewards of their parents will when their parents die…wtf. Stay well. 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